I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
