I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
