I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
