Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
