wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
