Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
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