I wish I could teleport
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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