I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Randomize
