He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I stole a fireplace last night.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Randomize
