you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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