i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
