Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
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