I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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