Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Randomize
