I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
