I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
