I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
