Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Randomize
