we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
