clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
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