y did u give ur computer a hand job?
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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