What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
