So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Randomize
