I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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