My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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