my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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