Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
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