you're like a bully in the Christmas story
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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