Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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