just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Randomize