Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
