So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
