Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Randomize
