She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
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