i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Randomize
