last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
