you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
