On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Randomize