my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
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