dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
