Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
ron's 8" boning knife is for sale. oh and it comes with a flavor injector.
High?
hahahahaha turkey breast
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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