saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
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