I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
