...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Randomize
