I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize