i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
are you so shy because you have an std?
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
