i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
FUCK WHALES
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
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