I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
this boner is exhausting
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
