I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
