I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
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