if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
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