did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
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