I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
